How to Melt a Woman's Heart...Let Me Count the Ways

What guy ponders this thought? Honestly.

Especially when there's football and Laker basketball to watch. Priorities, priorities, priorities.

Luckily, Men's Health magazine has stepped up and done the thinking for men everywhere. Let me clarify. Lucky for boys. Not so lucky for girls.

After reading, I have concluded that the only hearts that will melt as a result of this list are those made of Velveeta cheese. Yes, that cheesy.

Let's take a look, shall we?

40 Ways to Melt a Woman's Heart

1. Ask her to dance.
Only if you can, please.
2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.
"Wayward strands"? Who writes this stuff?
3. When she’s coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk towards her as soon as you see her.
Only works in the movies...and life does not imitate the movies.
4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.
Shoulder blades? I must be missing something.
5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.
Definitely could do without that.
6. Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.
Who is this insecure? You're not blind. And neither are we.
7. Call her when you’re feeling sad.
Please don't. Watch basketball. That always cheers me up.
8. Kiss her eyelids.
Another random body part! I must really be missing something.
9. Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.
Seems a bit to-catch-a-predator-ish
10. Wash her from head to toe in the shower.
Like a car wash?
11. If she’s crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.
Crying? What's that?
13. Occasionally call her by her first and middle names.
I thought only parents did this. Gross.
14. Buy her your favorite rock album of all time on vinyl.
Because that going to be useful.
15. Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it.
I don't drink enough coffee to care.
17. Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does.
Not as effective as you would think/hope.
18. Send her something in the mail. Anything.
Anything? Please use some discretion.
19. When she’s feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no-one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.
Again, who is this insecure? And how will staring help?
20. Call her just before you get on the plane.
Like an afterthought?
21. Pick her clothes up off the floor.
Cool...I always wanted a maid.
22. Try desperately to make her laugh when she’s feeling down.
Desperately? Hmm...yeah...desperation has been known to melt hearts.
23. Take her to see your favorite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.
Absolutely not. Especially if it's the Lakers. What a complete waste of money...we're in a recession!
24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.
Just remember to wash your hands.
25. Shave just before you see her. She’ll notice.
Isn't shaving part of your normal routine?
26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.
Hugs don't fix everything. Cake might.
28. Give her jewelry.
Not all jewelry is good jewelry. Remember that.
29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)
Two towels? Way to increase your eco-footprint.
30. Ask her specific questions about her work.
Work...how romantic.
31. Keep her favorite cereal on hand.
Doesn't this only work on kids?
32. In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.
Do you like to be interrupted in conversation? Yeah, neither do we.
33. Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up.
Flowers don't fix everything...but cake does.
34. Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire.
This wouldn't even work if you were Bear Grylls. Now, if you build a fire and make 'smores...that's a different story.
35. Moan her name when she goes down on you.
HA! Just in case you forgot, this is a men's magazine.
36. Read her a story when it’s her turn to drive during a long road trip.
First the cereal now stories. Only works on kids.
37. Offer to fix something at her place that you realize is broken.
Keep in mind, not everyone is handy.
38. Notice when she’s wearing something new.
Unimpressive. Even my co-workers notice when I wear something new.
39. Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.
Please don't. Seriously.
40. Ask if she wants to wrestle.
Perfect. Wrestling. Every girl's dream.

Whew! That was tiring...but my heart's still pretty much intact. No melting going on here. Admittedly, there are few (very few) things that would...but, in my defense, this list is pretty lame. Some...ok a few...maybe 2 of this suggestions are not bad, but definitely not what Men's Health purports them to be. Oh well. Nice try, I suppose.

Picture time! These are courtesy of my sister Nicole, aspiring environmentalist/marine biologist/ethical studies minor/chemist/landscape photographer/full-time cruiser. These photos are from her Redwood adventure at sunset in Saratoga, CA. I love the way the sunset washes the hills with color. I must be spending too much time in the OC because I would have never guessed that such a gorgeous landscape could exist CA.